Friday, February 1, 2008

The Anti-Indie, indie movement



The year is 2028.

The independent music explosion of the early 21st century is a distant memory; a rumor said to have been destroyed by the "hipsters," whatever that means. Three members of the Arcade Fire are being held for questioning after they are caught urinating on a park bench in downtown New York. Colin Meloy of the Decemberists, his short stories and novels long out of print, died last year in a fit of Dylan Thomas-inspired alcoholism. Peter, Bjorn & John own and operate their own car wash outside of Stockholm. Jack White manages a seedy strip club in inner-city Detroit called "Detroit Rock City."

We've also come a long way from Feist selling iPods, and Wilco selling Volkswagons.
Every single independent, as well as major record label has been bought, and quickly dismantled, by one unfathomably large music conglomerate: MUSICOR. This consortium of once separate record labels streams the latest "indie" hits directly into your brain via thousands of satellites worldwide for the low low price of four million yen per song. (Don't ask - let's just put it this way: China won.) MUSICOR obtained Capitol, Motown, Sub-Pop, and Sony within the same working day. The label quickly put its new roster to work, and the artists happily obliged. Bono, effectively the Chairman of China, Prime-Minister of Britain and India, and American President, was also made the MUSICOR C.E.O. (Ireland no longer exists. Instead, it is now known as Edge Island.) The conglomerate's roster is put into the field, selling anything imaginable: Sufjan Stevens is peddling Uncle Ben's Rice, Modest Mouse is singing a Wal-Mart jingle...

Ben Gibbard's new solo album of Tony Bennett covers isn't performing as well as expected. Broken Social Scene's histori-musical drama about the "glorious, cultural revolution" in China is also selling poorly. Bright Eyes' latest world tour, modeled after Michael Jackson's "Thriller" Tour of 1983, plunged the singer into bankruptcy, as well as effectively ending his 3-month marriage to an aging Paris Hilton.

Out of the ashes of this failed enterprise emerges a new sound... a type of music so pretentious, even Pitchfork doesn't know what to do with it....the kids on the "scene" so obsessed with elitist musical knowledge even John Cusack's character in "High Fidelity" would tell them to get a life... the genre's main influences so obscure that approximately only 7 people worldwide even were aware these influences existed... the "scene" kids wearing their American Apparel jeans so tight you can count their leg hairs....

It is, the Anti-Indie, Indie movement. You heard it here first.

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